Agony of a filmmaker

The struggle of talent vs expression. Some say real true art is about the talent and skill behind every brush stroke, every musical note, every picture taken. Then others say the very core of the arts is the expression, and if you fail to let yourself express what you are feeling regardless how it turns out, then the skills is an empty shell, and ceases to be art. And among the art community there seems to be a battle, a battle between the talents and the expressions. A battle very similiar to the catholics and protestants. Some of the wars are very feirce and for what?

All art has value regardless how the outcome turns out, everyone is different so why does everything then have to look the same. Since everyone sees things different from anyone else, wouldn't it make sense that the arts should then be just as unique and original. And wouldn't it also make sense, that for as many people there is, then that is how many different ways there is to learn and grow.

To focus on nothing but skill, does not make for amazing art, rather can produced the fruit of judgement and legalism. It creates and makes the art world into this elite group that only the few can enjoy. Wouldn't it make sense that anytime someone has the courage and guts to truly express themselves no matter how it looks or sounds that, in the end that shows the value of art.

And to show the the core of the arts to be expression pulls all art together, and makes it easier to appreciate all art forms and all artists and their common struggles regardless of the final out come. And decides, some of us likes the sound of nails on a chalkboard...we find it intriquing, and want to duplicate and pull that into real life.

Still sitting in the dark like any other visual artist, but now I have a spotlight. A spotlight to illuminate the darkness I need to see. As I sit in that dark corner with my spotlight really exploring my visual arts, I realize something hidden this darkness. I found light covered by the darkness. And once the spotlight struck that hidden light to my soul the result was not a washed out...over abundant meaningless light source. No the result was one of deep deep joy, happiness and release. For that light was the center of my art, the light source to illuminate all my art for others to see. It is the light source that helps me to appreciate all forms of art again. And all it took was me to spend sometime exploring the deep dark basement of my soul to figure out what was truly happening.

I truly thank God for revealing the light to my dark trained eyes, to blind me at first with such a radiant light that i can now live in, and truly get true inspiriation for my art that really matters.

For even searching amoung the agony and dark depressed state there is still light and hope, all you need is the courage to seek and push through the unknown so you can receive the real blessings of life that is awaits anyone who truly seeks God and all that He has. For it's one thing to go through life dark and depressed and be use to that. But it is quie another to to find true happiness to overwhelm and mystify any on-lookers. And isn't that what the artist job is to mystify everyone, is that the the goal to find that true happiness that lies within'...and if one says God does not provide true happiness then have they really pursued Him? Or did they pursue the church?

The agony of the filmmaker and artist will always be there, but how is one going to deal with that agony? Are you going to push into it find the positive? Or are you going to sit and sulk in your dirty depressing dirt basement, with woe after woe.

I choose to find the positive...for the positive allows me to appreciate all art once again.

I sit in this world hearing music all around me, seeing people dance and party and really being effected in a positive way to the music in this world. But as I listen to the music no matter how beautiful it may sound I feel like a hole is being dug in my soul. I feel there is something missing, by why, what is missing? I am an artist, so I should appreciate all forms of art. By why this why now? Why can't I really enjoy music with out this feeling of depression of doing something less then admireable.

I guess it comes right down to the fact I am a visual artist, a painter, a filmmaker, an actor. I guess I see the the music of life and need the visual in order to fully be touched by the music I hear. I guess I need the music video to understand and appreciate music with out the guilt. I guess I need the sound of cars and feedback...real sounds to go with the visuals I see in my minds eye to have any real deep effect.

So then how can a real visual art minded artist really truly impact a society of parties and music. I am not musical, unless you include my experiments with noise, but who in this world want to listen to that.

This is the agony of a filmmaker...the agony of the visual artist, this is why the world looks upon the artist as a real weird duck. Because we see and do things they can not possibly understand. We take the the time to truly express how we feel, and in a land of instants, and just mere survival, soul searching is going the way of the dodo. And that is why the term artist can be a derrogatory term in this day of age. Artist unite, that is the dream, but with so many different mediums will probably own be a dream.

The agony of the filmmaker indeed.